Are You Everybody's Hero?
And do you feel a little dead inside? Here's why.
"Behind every complaint there is a deep personal longing."
Dr. John Gottman
Mo chara,
For years, I operated from an unspoken contract:
If I do what they want, I’ll make them happy.
And if I make them happy, they will love me.
It wasn’t generosity. It was survival.
I learned early that love and approval had to be earned. That pleasing people was the price of belonging. That if I could anticipate needs, meet expectations, go the extra mile—maybe I’d be valued. Maybe I’d be safe.
So I became a Happiness Hero; the person who swoops in, absorbs the tension, smooths things over, takes on the extra load and gives… more and more and more.
And for a long time, I didn’t even know I was doing it.
The Cost of Being a ‘Happiness Hero’
The problem with making other people happy your full-time job is that your own happiness never makes the list.
And that sucks not just for you, but for everyone.
For most of my life, I struggled to value my time, energy, and skills. Especially when money was involved, I felt an overwhelming obligation to over-deliver. As if the value I had already provided wasn’t enough.
This fear—that I wouldn’t be seen or recognized unless I continually gave more—shaped every aspect of my life.
Of course, this belief didn’t come from nowhere.
Growing up with a famous father, I saw firsthand how validation came through applause, recognition, and relentless giving. My dad’s childhood had been shaped by scarcity—not just financial, but emotional. He learned that survival meant hustling to be wanted, working to be needed.
And, as generational patterns tend to do, that lesson didn’t just trickle down—it embedded itself in me.
Resentment: The Clue You’re Giving Too Much
About ten years ago, I went to a Liz Gilbert talk during her Big Magic book tour. At the end of the event, she announced there would be no meet-and-greet. No book signings. She thanked everyone for coming but made it clear:
She was done giving for the night.
And I hated her for it.
I had traveled to Dublin City to see her. I had paid for my ticket. I had expected more of her than I got. And I left that event feeling resentful, as if she owed me something.
Looking back, I see where that reaction came from. It wasn’t about Liz—it was about the entitlement I felt, rooted in my own conditioning.
I had internalised the belief that when someone is paid, when someone is validated, they are obligated to keep giving.
But more than that—her boundary confronted me with my own deepest fear:
If I stop over-giving, will people still value me? Will they still love me?
When You Realize You’ve Been Doing It All Wrong
For years, I had been running on the belief that my worth was tied to what I could do for others.
I was so busy proving my value through service, generosity, and availability that I never stopped to ask:
At what cost?
The cost of constantly managing other people’s emotions is too high.
It costs you your joy.
Your rest.
Your dignity.
Your self-worth.
Your peace.
And here’s the hardest truth: the people who only value you for what you give them are not your people.
Breaking the ‘Happiness Hero’ Cycle
Holding boundaries means some people will be disappointed. Some will reject you. And that has to be okay.
Because the alternative? Exhausting yourself for people who don’t respect your limits.
Here’s the new standard:
👉 If you’re going to be in my life, you need to hold your own.
You need to:
✔️ Manage your own emotions
✔️ Take responsibility for your own happiness
✔️ Not project your unmet needs onto me
I am no longer in the business of hustling for love.
Because love—real love—doesn’t demand exhaustion as proof.
What About You? Let’s do the work 👇🏼
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